Why do we throw our daughters to the dogs?
According to Wikipedia, “Arranged marriage is a type of marital union where the bride and groom are primarily selected by individuals other than the couple themselves, particularly by family members such as the parents”.
In my opinion, Indian arranged marriages are, more often than not, opportunities for parents to make their daughters the responsibility of some other family. Before you come at me, let me start by saying, this is not always the case. In some scenarios, both parties are entirely willing and happy to partake in the process of an arranged marriage. However, today, I wish to highlight the majority of the Indian population across the globe who still partake in a historic matchmaking ritual without the full willingness of one or more parties.
If you are not a person of Indian or South Asian origin, you may find it ridiculous that many still partake in what might be deemed as a prehistoric tradition. To be completely honest, there are merits to the tradition, if it is not conducted the same way it has been over hundreds of years ago. One merit being that someone who is lonely and unable to find a suitable love match may find one through this process, if done right. Unfortunately, most of the time, an Indian arranged marriage results in a girl being shipped off into a stranger’s home to live with the stranger’s parents, forced to live by their “rules” and completely change the way she lives.
In the event that you believe this is acceptable, in any way, you are either very old or simply just cruel. In 2021, where some of us are fighting for women’s rights, how is it that some people still manage to force intelligent women into changing their entire lifestyles for someone they barely know? When we were children, our parents used to advise us not to converse with strangers but here we are now, conversing with strangers for a day and then marrying them a month later. Does it not sound like a sick joke where both parties were wronged?
Recently, I spoke to a friend, whom we shall call Rani for the sake of anonymity. She has been forced into this process by none other than her own parents. They created accounts for her on matrimonial sites such as Shaadi.com. Although this may seem like a harmless, even loving gesture, it is not as simple as that. Rani was forced into having 2–3 video calls or conversations with each potential match. Her parents gave her an ultimatum of 6 months to figure out which of those suitors was the best match and to marry them. Rani, mind you, is a well-educated individual with a Masters degree and a well paying job, living in a developed country outside of India. Despite many of her so-called “matches” living miles away from where she currently resides, her parents insist that she can rebuild her entire career and life wherever said match resides. I do not understand how this is fair to Rani in any way or form. If the tables were turned and Rani’s so-called “match” was forced into holy matrimony to her and made to move to the country she currently resides in, there will most likely be a tsunami-style uproar in the Indian aunty gossip columns.
A statement mentioned by Rani’s parents in passing really caught my attention. The aforementioned statement being that it was their responsibility to get her, and I quote, married-off by the time she was 30 and that her biological clock was ticking. Why do we normalise this type of backwards behaviour towards women? I personally find it appalling that a full-grown adult is capable of treating another full-grown adult, who is of their kin, in such a controlling manner. Also, who will take “responsibility” if the marriage arranged by Indian parents ends up in a divorce and/or mental health issues? The well-intentioned parents? I highly doubt they would be the ones traumatised by the entire arrangement. Ultimately, it is a lose-lose game for these women.
Dear Indian parents, if you’re thinking of leg-shackling your lovely, independent daughters to some greasy-haired, overachieving stranger, do think twice. Your belief that you are doing the very best for your child may end up being detrimental to them. You may be older, and perhaps more seasoned in the way of life, but it is not your life to live. Humble yourselves and communicate with your daughters openly so that we don’t end up paying a hefty amount to divorce lawyers or end up passing down an archaic, toxic tradition through generations. Let us try to be better and do better, for the sake of the amazing women in our society. The kindest thing you could do for your daughter, if you loved her at all, is to stop controlling her. The patriarchy controls her heavily as it is.